I live in Koh Lanta, Thailand in the lap of luxury high up on a jungle hill, overlooking a beautiful Island dotted inlet. I have at my disposal a lap pool, high speed internet, big screen TV, a scooter, fridge, stove, washing machine,  AC and delicious Thai restaurants five minutes down the road.

And the Ocean another minute past the restaurants. I have friends here and an active social life. I do laps in the pool at least 5 days a week and my body is showing the results… my fear of becoming a bald fat 50 something is looking less and less likely. Well bald yes! What can you do?

I eat very healthy and I fully appreciate what I have. FULLY I have all this at my disposal and plenty of time to enjoy it. I have it all here. I really do!

And yet something is missing! Something that I will probably only figure out once I leave this  place. Which is soon. I know something is missing because for some reason, instead of just enjoying all this luxury and leisure, instead of the well being I would have thought all this would bring me… something feels off!

The place that resembles mostly what paradise should look and feel like, turns out can issue out as hollow an experience as being in a tent in the middle of a central Asian desert. Wait… I actually felt quite connected in that instance!

I could be the only person on the planet who would see this as a good thing!! But I do! To have it all and to still feel this hollowness. How beautiful is that?! It frees me from wanting it all! Or it tells me that having it all is not what it’s about. That life… at least for me does not require the perks to make it feel complete. Or more having all the perks does not necessarily make it complete. But I knew this before… it’s kinda why I’m doing what I’m doing! This travelling and writing gig thing that I’m doing, that I at times don’t know what I’m doing!! It reconfirms for me what my life NEEDS to be about. Passion. Creativity. Adventure. Risk. But this wasn’t the biggest learning from my stay in Lanta.

In Lanta, I experienced comfort, stability, routine. And it was for sure a nice break from my huge bike ride where I was indeed losing perspective. Yet my luxurious break also brought to light an important connection I had not been aware of.

That the hollowness I was struggling with, and had struggled with for… ever, had a twin!

That there was a very strong connection between that hollowness and the anxiety and awkwardness I experience when it comes to connecting with others, even in basic social interactions.

Um yes, that’s right people, even you who know me well! I put up a good face, I knows it… but inside when it comes to connecting… I’m a train wreck!!

It was in Lanta that I fully got this. And it took several instances of anxiety filled social and interpersonal interactions for it to really sink in.
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Hmmmmm. At this point, in a website titled “Journey In Word” and if you get the play on words, you would expect that I would have a spiritual, meaningful solution to this. Nope!

Once it sank in how awkward for me connecting was and how disconnected I felt, I made a ‘desperate’ decision to connect at all costs!

And as it turns out I did know how to connect… drinking!

The moments I look back on the connected moments in my life… these islands of connection… many of them involved alcohol. Some of my favorite memories are of being piss drunk with friends. I know this not to be a permanent solution. I can’t even imagine the person I would be today if I had been at it as hard as I was in College all this time… yet the need I have to connect at the moment, blotted out my usual discernment around alcohol.

Many of the people I like here drink …copiously! And they are good people, I figured if I’m going to connect I need to meet them there.

And what can I say? Holy crap have I been having fun! Holy crap. Feels so good to get to a point where I feel so connected to the people I am partying with it doesn’t matter how I got there. Drunken friends …you complete me!

For the moment this eases the pain of disconnection I struggle with.  And it is also a major reason I am getting off this Island! That and the humidity!

I know that if I stayed, I would deepen this drinking groove …and this does not entice me. I am so enjoying my drunken exploits here! So so soooooo much fun… I just do not want to make it a part of my life. Living here it would be.

So paradise gets put on the back burner! Happy to cycle off to a place where the disconnectedness I struggle with is on account of actually being alone and not on account of feeling alone in the midst of  ample social opportunity.

Oh and the weed thing?! That’s a whole other topic!